Chaos Walking

Its been 3 years since my last blog, almost died but still survived. People call me strong but i call myself weak, i dont have courage to end this at all. Well morbid's aside, there is a book that i've been reading for a week, they plan to make a movie of it by next year

 Its called Chaos Walking, its a science-fiction plot tells us about a  future colony ships exploring another planet to live in until problems occured. The planet has downside, there is a bacteria that can infect on all living things, insects, animals and including male humans excluding female and its called noises.

Every living can read the thoughts of those who are infected..

It has 3 books and every part of it has its series of  awful stuff happening
I was on halfway of the 3rd book when someone spoils me the ending in a forum (reddit). My motivation vanish because i felt disappointed.

Well cant blame them, reading forums are expected for spoilers. I am a spoiler person myself.. Dumbledore dies, Walter White dies, Rey is going to the dark side (Star Wars), this things happens, though some are willing to code their post with spoiler tags.


If anyone plants to watch the movie, i advice you to read the book first..
I think the movie will be a hit by next year..
Im defenitely gonna watch it..



-jan

this again...

                                                  


I hate brushing my teeth,
 after i got this chronic illness..
doing it keeps me thinking..
whats the purpose?..
 why do i need a healthy good looking teeth when my body is a mess..


last month was my second NDE (near death experience)..
 I find myself  struggling to breathe with worst feeling of pain inside my body

 My heart pulse beats so slow,
my lungs can't take normal oxygen that they have to rush for O2 apparatus,
because the fucki*ng ambulance didn't have one... piff.. San fernando.


I tried to cover my mouth just so i can die and be with it,
I didn't know it was a foolish idea,
I was delerious im not thinking right,
maybe due to the toxicity of my body,
Or had the lowest hematocrit.


I can't even raise my hands,  i was ready to give up there while people around me were crying, saying the God's mercy, pray and ask for forgiveness..

it felt like, i am trying to remember the past, what life that i had,
it feels like, after all this surviving, years of dialysis treatment, for me it has no meaning... I felt so frustrated and in pain both physically and emotionally, and most of all scared.

My whole life since the beginning is broken.
 Son of a broken family, no brothers nor sisters..alone, i have a weak body since elementary.. Everything just fall into pieces

I was rushed into the nearest hospital for an O2, but then i pass out, and when i woke up, found myself in a shitty hospital's emergency room..

I survived and another day to live another day to suffer..

so life's goes on.. surviving... watching how people move on, while i'm stuck here like a ticking time-bomb...


That's the life of a broken man.

"well never know, there might a chance to change course on the way"

-jAn

an unexpected ache

 never in my mind that i will feel this tonight,
all i had was to view some page, and a single profile info pierce me.

Well i do admit it, this are bound to happen, because their life moves on and im stuck in here , but never did i imagine how painful it was,

she found someone..

But this is the better way, not being selfish or being foolish. To be not part of your life was always the right way.

now I'm really uninstalling line and skype.
Thanks for the memories M.

-jAn                   

Breaking Bad: The series

 TV series are just one of my daily entertainment, and days pass they are filling  my list.  A certain tv show seems interesting, as how people talks about it in the forum or in social network. This series tells the story of a chemistry teacher who take's another route on his life after knowing his physical condition. Either gone insane or desperate, he choose to cook and sell Methamphetamine.

The show was dramatic and sometimes hilarious, i find it sometimes funny because of their unusual situation. If you wanna know what does unusual means to me, i suggest watch the show and see it for yourself.

The show  becomes more complicated when the chemist teacher who cooks meth has a brother-in law who works in the DEA. And he is chasing this mysterious drug cook who silently just hang-out beside him. Now that's a situation.

Breaking bad for me is like breaking the boundary's of doing good or bad, either how you  see it or how you deal with it. Breaking bad is a new kind of series that deals our sense of judgement.

-jan

Part 2: What happened on treatment day

The treatment seems doing well,  so i decided that i will follow all my plans and  watch a movie. No minutes to waste i call a taxi cab and went on my way. It was past 2:00 in the afternoon when i arrived. The scent of the mall meets me in the entrance. As i walk my way through the fourth floor, suddenly i feel a little sleepy, why the hell do i have to feel this now. Now i am having second thoughts..

As i stood on the theater's ticket outlet, i bought a ticket and went inside as if i don't posses my body anymore. I felt tired and sleepy, and as i went inside the coldness of the theater embrace me and it made me more sleepy. I decided to sit on the nearest chair that i can reach. As i take my comfort, the scent of air freshener gives joy to my sense of smell. 

The movie trailers are now starting, at first it was entertaining seeing new movies coming for next month, it does gives you the excitement  and heads up on what to watch, good trailers does this to you. After i decided to close my eye's for a moment, And there i go sleeping all way, i don't even catch the screen title. This is how tired and sleepy i was. And somehow the theater's temperature and aroma comforts me.

Well it does gives me time to rest, and i don't even know if someone wakes me but when i woke up, it was the shows closing credits flashing in front of me. The timings aren't too bad after all. So after that, i just take my leave and went home. I learned a lesson on that day, that if on the day of my treatment, i should have not plan anything but to just straight back home and get my hours of rest. Dialysis in a nutshell. 

-jan

Part 1: What happened on treatment day

                                                                         

It was a busy day, my plans are all listed but merely achieved. Today was my schedule for my dialysis treatment, another exhausting routine that i always do  twice a week. From nurse tagging, to processing of papers, and getting stuff from the hospitals pharmacy. Everything was time consuming and don't forget this is definitely boring.  As i try to pass the time one tries to list all the stuff i want to do on that day, and after four hours of treatment, i plan to watch SKYFALL , a James Bond movie. Well that depends if all goes well, because there are times that headache strikes after my long hours of treatment, so mostly i will just head straight home to sleep.

The place was busy, people chatting everywhere, gossips are on the air,  even the cold  room's temperature cannot hold the sweats dropping from working nurses. After hours of waiting, a nurse calls my name with feint smile on her face saying that my machine is ready. As i whisper to myself  "finally", the nurse noticed and explains "busy man gud kau sir  (because we are too busy sir)" while preparing my chair.

Minutes have passed and i am already hook up. Hours of sitting my mind wanders around, so i grab my bag and reach for today's newspaper trying to  think of something else. After reading half way through, i felt dizzy and decided to just close my eyes and sleep through it.

It was from the beeping sound of my machine who wakes me, it is the sound of alarm saying that today's treatment is finished. A day of extension is being added to my life. Feeling better but still had that light feeling that  feels like i am floating in the sky.. After checking my blood pressure  i am ready to roll out, as i leave the center, i keep thinking of  my plan, checking how i feel and somehow it seems fine.

to be continued.

- jAn

Remember November!

             As  i watch my calender hanging on our wall, i can't help but notice that it is November 5th of the year. And then i remember a certain  phrase "Remember, remember! The fifth of November". Quoted from the movie V for Vendetta, starring Hugo Weaving. 

 If your not familiar with the actor, he is best known for his roles as Agent Smith, the antagonist of the Matrix franchise film and Elrond (The elf king) from the movie Lord of the rings trilogy. I still recall a blushing Guy-Fawkes-masked which i described it very unique.

"This mask is very unique , it is often use by Anonymous hackers"

 I cant remember when was the last time i watch this movie though, but i can't forget how good it was. This movie is about a man in vengeance trying to overthrow the present government. But if you really give an interest to this movie, you better watch it rather just reading my thoughts out of it.

I can't help but wonder if how close this movie from our reality, from our government where corruption exist since our civilization, maybe there is someone who will wear this mask and shout for opposition.

-jAn

Rain rain come back agaiN!

  It was a cold night when one prepares a place to sleep, when suddenly rain starts to pour outside heavily.
A piece of excitement strike me, yes its raining! as i whisper to myself  im thinking i can have a long night sleep.

Because i like rain, it cool's down my body temperature, I like the thoughts of water pouring outside giving plants life to grow.

Rain cleans the street, and keeps the environment more quite and peaceful,  where people tends to stay inside for shelter.

The streets are quite, free from dust, keeping people from loitering outside, and it gives a smell of refreshment from nature. Rain does it all, how can one ever hated  rain?

 I started to lay down with an open window, taking my chances to watch water drops from the sky and hearing through our rofftops, and as i close my eyes, the noise would give me the best comfort everytime.

It sounds like hearing a whitenoise from a tv, but this time it sings me a lullaby.

                                                                                                                                       

      -jAn

Childhood memories!

 Last night while having fun watching my favorite TV series, there's a time that i think back of what i enjoyed before. As a child probably 8-13 years of age, i already enjoy watching tv series like Buffy the vampire slayer, Roswell, the pretender (yeah im a fan of Jarod), and Angel (another vampire flick). I belong to 90's kid. TV series back those days were better than today.

While music cannot be pirated easily, i can still remember the name of the bands that i own in cassette tapes, bands like Suede, Bush, Greyhoundz, Siakol, Allanis Morissette and more, the best band at that time and i wish my family shares with my type of music but sadly nobody likes distorted music. I can still remember how i use my pencil to rewind my tape without using my walk-man's re-winder, so that i can save its battery life. 

"Indeed this is true, mostly kids today wont ever experience this!"

I can still remember how kids plays outside with other kids neighbors, unlike today. Kids now-days mostly face monitors to entertain. They rarely interact with outdoor games and choose to stay inside .

Changes is not constant, everything changes around us, i just hope that everything's that have change is for good and not for the worst.

-jAn

  

Oh my Sandy!

  One hot Sunday afternoon, doing my daily routine, im just another hopeless guy facing my computer, doing anything, so that my mind can just keep on thinking a lot of things. it does help me forget my depressions or problems. A routine that i keep doing for this past years.

Everything looks normal today, the hot weather, the noisy nephew's, the noisy neighbors, and our noisy two dogs who always chase motorcycles outside, seriously those two keeps barking whenever a motorcycle tries to pass by. Yup its noisy in here, and i live through it.

One of my nephew turns the TV on, and as i take a glimpse of it, i saw a footage of flood in New York city. This gets my attention as i grab the remote trying not to let one of my nephew change the channel. The first thing that cross my mind is that, this is another end of the world movie, or another alien invasion movie plot where most of the movie start in New york city, ever wonder that?

So it was in the CNN news, and indeed New york is flooded and black out, Ive seen the footage where every building and sky crappers are all dark, lights are out, as if you can described it as "ghost town", except for the Empire State Building, where it humbly stood still with its glimmering lights (probably they own the most expensive generator available) surrounded by the black out buildings and street.

 "Blackout in entire New York city."

  As i watch the whole news, the kids at my back gives a sad and bored  impression that i have to give them the remote back so they can watch their favorite channel which is cartoon network. And as i went back to my computer, i keep on thinking that even if how rich or powerful a country achieves, nobody escapes from natures wrath

-jAn

A crush for Lea

 I would really like to give a big thanks to YouTube, I found a girl who takes my large part of time when surfing the net. Mostly i found myself digging Lea Salonga's videos. She has such an amazing talent. The video that i always watch was the one where she auditioned for a role in Miss Saigon, she get the role as Kim, It gives me goosebumps when she sings "sun and moon" with that guy (yeah i know he was famous, composer of les miserables)

I got hooked that i started to look for more video of her singing epic songs and Disney songs, i watched Disney movies during on my childhood days and never knew that the singer was a Filipina. And most of all , wow she is so beautiful, the best of a Filipina beauty.

As i Google more about her i found out that we had common interest or shall we say hobbies. She likes to play video games, and yes i can call her a "real" gamer. She know's the games she is playing. Not just like some typical people who plays video games just to entertain and pass time where they only play FPS(first person shooter)  or versus games (tekken etc). She play's the best of RPG like Final Fantasy. Most girls, no most people don't play those games because its time consuming  and its complicated, difficult and exhausting.


She knew too well all the characters, and what most impress me is she play the Final Fantasy VII, ( because she knows all Characters) and i learn from her about Final Fantasy VII Crisis Core, its like a prequel from the Playstation 1 Final Fantasy VII, and this Crisis Core can  be played on portable. I read her article on a newspaper.

She mentioned a lots of games, and wow that was so cool, that i wished my girlfriend could be like her. Imagine there is a girl who sings (best in the world), plays videogames, and beautiful at the same time, someone who i thought a qualification cant be in a single person but here she is..

-yeah crappy blog and English  

- jAn